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Joke Room.....

Hi folks, want to share anything funny or thought-provoking not fitting in the categories below? Feel free to do it here :)
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Tricia

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Joke Room.....

PostThu Jul 10, 2014 11:13 am

----------------------- Paddy english/Irish/scots man ----------------

Paddy Englishman,Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were on a aeroplane and they didnt know where they were so paddy Scotsman put his foot oot the window and said i think im in newyork because i can feel the empirestate building. Then paddy englishman put his foot out the window and said i think im in Paris because i can feel the eiffeltower. Then paddy irishman put his foot out the window and said i think im in Ballymurphy because somebody just stole my shoe!! :D
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Tricia

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Re: Joke Room.....

PostThu Jul 10, 2014 11:19 am

---------------------- ULSTER JOKE --------------

Wrong Place
A Belfast man was ashamed of his accent, and decided to go to elocution lessons in London.
Three years later he was speaking perfect BBC English, and he decided to return home and celebrate with a drink.
He caught the Shuttle to Belfast, got a taxi into the city and walked into the first established he recalled as a bar.
'I say, old chap,' he said to the proprietor, 'perhaps you could furnish me with a large gin and tonic and one of your finest Havana cigars.'
'You're from around these parts, aren't you?' said the proprietor.
'Good grief,' said the stunned Belfast man. 'How did you know that?'
'Well, you see,' said the proprietor, 'this is a butcher's.'
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Tricia

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Re: Joke Room.....

PostThu Jul 10, 2014 11:23 am

-------------------- Popular uncles -------------

Popular uncles.
Paddy Englishman Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotishman were all braging about how popular their uncles were Paddy Englishman goes my Uncles so popular he's a priest and when people see him walking down the street they say good evening Father Paddy Scotishman goes my uncles a bishop and hes so popular when people see him walking down the street they say good evening your lordship Paddy Irishman goes my uncles twenty four stone and when people see him walking down the street they go god all mighty.
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Aoife

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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 12, 2014 10:01 pm

Paddy applies for a job, boss says well, we need somebody responsible ...
Paddy replies: I'm your man then, everytime anything went wrong in the old job they said I was responsible :)
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSun Jul 13, 2014 3:06 am

Pmsl aoife
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSun Jul 13, 2014 10:57 pm

pmsl at aoife aaahhhaaa :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSun Jul 13, 2014 11:05 pm

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.” :lol:
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Aoife

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Re: Joke Room.....

PostMon Jul 14, 2014 11:41 am

A man tells his mate that every time he has an argument his wife gets historical.
His mate says do you mean hysterical.
He says no historical, she always brings up the past.
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostMon Jul 14, 2014 12:20 pm

:lol: aoife

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostTue Jul 15, 2014 7:01 pm

Wife Control

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostTue Jul 15, 2014 8:13 pm

Hahhaha cracker

Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostWed Jul 16, 2014 5:26 pm

Paddy and Seamus are reading headstones at a cemetery ... suddenly Paddy shouts: "Seamus come over here lies a bloke who lived 154 years!"
Seamus asks: What's his name?
Paddy: Miles to London
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostWed Jul 16, 2014 11:00 pm

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 19, 2014 5:42 pm

The chubby princess to the Magic Mirror:
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is fairest of them all?"

Magic Mirror:
"Okay, step aside, please..i can't see anything!"
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 19, 2014 9:46 pm

Tricia wrote:----------------------- Paddy english/Irish/scots man ----------------

Paddy Englishman,Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were on a aeroplane and they didnt know where they were so paddy Scotsman put his foot oot the window and said i think im in newyork because i can feel the empirestate building. Then paddy englishman put his foot out the window and said i think im in Paris because i can feel the eiffeltower. Then paddy irishman put his foot out the window and said i think im in Ballymurphy because somebody just stole my shoe!! :D
:o :lol:
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 19, 2014 9:47 pm

:)
Aoife wrote:The chubby princess to the Magic Mirror:
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is fairest of them all?"

Magic Mirror:
"Okay, step aside, please..i can't see anything!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 19, 2014 9:48 pm

:lol:
Aoife wrote:The chubby princess to the Magic Mirror:
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is fairest of them all?"

Magic Mirror:
"Okay, step aside, please..i can't see anything!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSun Jul 20, 2014 7:25 pm

A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?", the Scot replies, "Well no . . . I didn't realise you still needed one to get in!"
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSun Jul 20, 2014 7:29 pm

Aoife wrote:A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?", the Scot replies, "Well no . . . I didn't realise you still needed one to get in!"


pmsl :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"The Irish - Be they kings, or poets, or farmers, They're a people of great worth, They keep company with the angels, And bring a bit of heaven here to earth"
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSun Jul 20, 2014 9:07 pm

Aoife wrote:A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?", the Scot replies, "Well no . . . I didn't realise you still needed one to get in!"



Im pmsl at this hahahaa :lol:
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostMon Jul 21, 2014 12:24 am

"Don't walk in front of me" "I don't want you to lead " " Don't walk behind me" "I don't want you to follow" " Walk beside me and be my friend "
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostMon Jul 21, 2014 12:26 am

love this youtube too :)
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostMon Jul 21, 2014 3:11 am

A blonde's Brain at work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
"Don't walk in front of me" "I don't want you to lead " " Don't walk behind me" "I don't want you to follow" " Walk beside me and be my friend "
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostMon Jul 21, 2014 7:01 pm

An elderly businessman buys a large house. The house is situated on a cliff overlooking the sea. One evening, the old gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The evening is a very blustery one. He ventures a little too close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink.
Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall. The old gentleman hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, "Is there anybody there?"
At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in measured tones, "There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below."
The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200ft below him. Then he looks up again and says, "Is there anybody else up there?"
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostMon Jul 21, 2014 11:19 pm

Aoife » Mon Jul 21, 2014 2:01 pm wrote:An elderly businessman buys a large house. The house is situated on a cliff overlooking the sea. One evening, the old gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The evening is a very blustery one. He ventures a little too close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink.
Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall. The old gentleman hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, "Is there anybody there?"
At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in measured tones, "There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below."
The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200ft below him. Then he looks up again and says, "Is there anybody else up there?"

:lol: :lol: :lol:
"Don't walk in front of me" "I don't want you to lead " " Don't walk behind me" "I don't want you to follow" " Walk beside me and be my friend "
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostTue Jul 22, 2014 1:15 am

My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostTue Jul 22, 2014 1:15 am

Aoife haha :lol:
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostTue Jul 22, 2014 8:29 pm

anything unrelated til elephant is irrelefant :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostTue Jul 22, 2014 8:43 pm

Aoife » Tue Jul 22, 2014 3:29 pm wrote:anything unrelated til elephant is irrelefant :lol: :lol: :lol:


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"Don't walk in front of me" "I don't want you to lead " " Don't walk behind me" "I don't want you to follow" " Walk beside me and be my friend "
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostWed Jul 23, 2014 1:30 am

On holiday in Europe, David noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it.

As a young priest passed by, David asked who the telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and if he'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. David was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Europe David kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column at each church. When he asked about it the answer was always the same ie a direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars.

David finished his European tour in Ireland. He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath it there was a sign stating:

DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN - 25 cents

"Father," he said I have been all over Europe and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?

The priest smiled and said, "Son, You're in Ireland now, it's only a local call!
"Don't walk in front of me" "I don't want you to lead " " Don't walk behind me" "I don't want you to follow" " Walk beside me and be my friend "
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostWed Jul 23, 2014 2:38 am

Hahaha good one jackie :lol:
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostThu Jul 24, 2014 1:01 am

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
"Don't walk in front of me" "I don't want you to lead " " Don't walk behind me" "I don't want you to follow" " Walk beside me and be my friend "
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostThu Jul 24, 2014 12:30 pm

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

"The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and you must
atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads" says Tommy.
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 1:18 am

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."



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"Don't walk in front of me" "I don't want you to lead " " Don't walk behind me" "I don't want you to follow" " Walk beside me and be my friend "
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 1:24 am

good one Jackie :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 1:40 am

Aoife » Fri Jul 25, 2014 8:24 pm wrote:good one Jackie :lol: :lol: :lol:


Hope you don't mind the animation Aoife.
"Don't walk in front of me" "I don't want you to lead " " Don't walk behind me" "I don't want you to follow" " Walk beside me and be my friend "
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 1:48 am

not at all, looks lovely, and with less than 1% of our webspace used til now I cant see any reason why I should oppose it :D
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 11:26 am

A man wants to become a bell-ringer, but has no arms. So he tells the priest of his wish, but the priest says: "How can you be our bell-ringer without arms?" He replied "Arms? Who needs 'em!" So the arm-less guy runs to the top of the bell tower, and starts ringing the bell with his face, making beautiful music. Unfortunately, he misses the last note, and falls from the bell tower. A bunch of parishioners gather around him, asking: "Who is this guy?" The priest says: "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 2:18 pm

A man buys his wife a bottle of wine.
As she's drinking it, she stops and says, "I love you. I don't know what I'd do without you."
The husband, jokingly, asks, "is that you talking or the wine?"
She replies, "it's me talking...................................... to the wine."
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 3:02 pm

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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