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Joke Room.....

Hi folks, want to share anything funny or thought-provoking not fitting in the categories below? Feel free to do it here :)
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Fairlie

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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 3:07 pm

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 3:10 pm

Computers - Male or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:


Five reasons to believe computers are female:


1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.


2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.


3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".


4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.


5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:


Five reasons to believe computers are male:


1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.


2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.


3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.


4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.


5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 3:12 pm

Hospital Charts

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 3:16 pm

Proctologist at the Bank

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to
endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the
thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!" :o
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 3:18 pm

How to Cure a Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 3:19 pm

Glossary of Medical Terms
Alternative Medical Terms
-------------------------
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 3:24 pm

True Medical Stories
True Medical Stories (??)

A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's in the wrong one.

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he died from a "massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.

A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor "The patch," he replied, "the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and I've run out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long since you have been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years . . . when my husband was still alive."

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled "KY Jelly."
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 5:41 pm

Fairlie » Sat Jul 26, 2014 3:02 pm wrote:Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


plus get on everyones nerves with his fishing stories :lol:
Misspellings are *very special effects* of me keyboard
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Tricia

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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Jul 26, 2014 9:09 pm

Hahah good ones :lol: :lol:
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol

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Re: Joke Room.....

PostWed Jul 30, 2014 12:10 am

2 old friends drinking in local pub
and after a good night session are making their way home
one has a club foot deformity the other a hunch back
the club foot fella says right I,m taking a short cut through the graveyard
the other fella says, no, nope, not this time of the night,, no chance
so whilst walkin a long the club foot fella nears an open grave .. and ,,
up jumps the devil scaring him
the devil spys the deformed foot asks what is it.. ? !! after its explained : the devil says give it to me and on yer way.
the next night the 2 fellas meet up and of course the event is told
the hunchback decides he's going thru the graveyard
so approaching the same open grave and the devil jumps up again YOU ...!
YOU ,, whats that ?,,,,, quaking the hunchback explains and the devil after another look says
here have a club foot to go with it :evil: :twisted:
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostTue Aug 05, 2014 12:13 am

Irish Alzheimers

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy , I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn 's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;" After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat."
"Don't walk in front of me" "I don't want you to lead " " Don't walk behind me" "I don't want you to follow" " Walk beside me and be my friend "
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Aoife

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Re: Joke Room.....

PostTue Aug 05, 2014 11:33 am

hahaha good one Jackie :)
Misspellings are *very special effects* of me keyboard

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Re: Joke Room.....

PostMon Aug 18, 2014 7:53 pm

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSat Aug 30, 2014 11:02 pm

An Irish millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'
Misspellings are *very special effects* of me keyboard
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Tricia

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Re: Joke Room.....

PostSun Aug 31, 2014 3:48 pm

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
My ipad controls my spellings not me so apologies from it in advance :) lol
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Re: Joke Room.....

PostTue Dec 15, 2015 4:20 am

:lol: good 1 Tricia :lol:
Tricia » Thu Jul 10, 2014 11:13 am wrote:----------------------- Paddy english/Irish/scots man ----------------

Paddy Englishman,Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were on a aeroplane and they didnt know where they were so paddy Scotsman put his foot oot the window and said i think im in newyork because i can feel the empirestate building. Then paddy englishman put his foot out the window and said i think im in Paris because i can feel the eiffeltower. Then paddy irishman put his foot out the window and said i think im in Ballymurphy because somebody just stole my shoe!! :D
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